Sam, It's a Wonderful Life
by staceycj
Summary: Set in Season 5.  Sam wishes he had never been born, and someone grants him the wish.
1. Chapter 1

Sam sat on his bed, hard liquor (something of which he hardly partook…that was Dean's coping method not his) in his hand, socks on his feet, legs stretched out, heels just off of the bed, television on playing some happy go lucky Christmas fare. Tonight was Christmas Eve, and his brother, who didn't trust him anymore, who was angry with him for betraying him, for lying to him lie on the bed closest to the door, sound asleep. Sam shook his head attempting to clear away the thoughts of Dean's mistrust, but it simply wouldn't go away. Sam knew that it wasn't simply a betrayal, it was the ultimate betrayal, Sam had trusted a demon over his own brother, the brother who had been there for him his entire life, who had sacrificed everything for Sam including his soul. The thoughts flurried in his head despite his best attempts to quiet them. So, Sam downed the rest of the liquor in the glass, grimaced at the burn in his throat and belly, and when that didn't quiet the thoughts in his head he poured himself another glass.

As he downed the second glass he contemplated suicide. He would if he could. He would, he would take himself out of the world, would destroy himself because truly he didn't deserve to live anymore. He had started the apocalypse, he had hurt everyone he had ever loved, and those he hadn't hurt, he had been instrumental in their deaths, and now he was the vessel for the ultimate evil—Satan himself. Even the most deranged psycho on Death Row wasn't as horrible of a human being as Sam was.

But no needle would take Sam out of the world, Satan wanted his skin too much, he would simply fix it, and wait patiently for Sam to say yes, which Lucifer was sure he would, and sometimes, Sam wondered if the only person who didn't think he would say yes was himself. Dean had all but said that he knew Sam would say yes, and Bobby might not say it but Sam knew he thought it, and Cass, well, sometimes Sam was pretty sure Cass didn't even like him. So why wouldn't he expect the 'boy with the demon blood', as he had unceremoniously put it upon their first meeting, do what was expected of him and allow Lucifer inside, allow Lucifer to rage upon the world using his face, his body, his hands, his being….Sam downed the third glass, grimaced at the expected burn and put the glass on the nightstand in between the brothers.

Sam watched Dean breathe rhythmically, and shook his head. Dean deserved to live, Dean deserved to have a brother that wasn't like him, who wasn't so…tainted, corrupted, diseased….Dean deserved a family, and he deserved to have everything he ever wanted. He would have it too if it wasn't for Sam. Sam sighed and got inside the bed, turned off the television, pulled the covers up, and turned off the light.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

"Sam. Sam….wake up." A soft feminine voice whispered. Sam's eyes opened, and he was instantly alert. He whipped around and had a knife at the throat of a beautiful young woman before she could blink her eyes.

She looked down at the knife and gave a small smile. "Sam, that wont' do anything to me. I'm not a demon."

"I'm at the point I don't care what you guys are anymore. I just want all of you dead."

"I don't think we are the only people that you want dead."

Sam blinked quickly and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about." She reached up and put her hand on his wrist and slowly pulled his knife away from her alabaster skin. "You won't need that Sam. I promise." She pulled it out of his hand and put it on the nightstand next to the empty glass. "I heard your thoughts earlier. I heard that you wished you were dead."

"Great. Now you people can hear my thoughts. This just gets better and better." He sighed.

"No. I'm not one of "those people" I'm yours."

Sam snorted. "So, what? You drew the short straw and you get assigned to me?"

"I didn't' get the short straw. I begged and begged for this assignment."

Sam was taken aback. He pushed up on the bed, glanced over at his brother, made sure that he was still sleeping peacefully, and turned back to the woman sitting on the corner of his bed. "Why in the hell would anyone want to be my anything? It doesn't exactly help the lifespan."

"It is rare that my kind get to be assigned to a man like you."

"A cursed man?" He asked wryly.

She rolled her eyes, and scooted closer to him, and ran a hand down the length of his face, "No, someone like you….someone kind, loving, loyal…" Sam stopped her there.

"I am anything but loyal."

"You are loyal."

"Says who? In case you missed the latest issue of _Hunter's Quarterly_ I've started the apocalypse by betraying my brother. That's anything but loyal."

"Sam, you wanted to do right by your brother. you wanted to take out all who had hurt him, who made him cry, who made him cry out in his sleep. You wanted to fix all of that. You did what you thought was right."

'The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Sam said. That phrase repeated through his head almost every moment of every day, and it simply bubbled out of his mouth. The beautiful woman's eyes softened and she pushed his hair back out of his eyes.

"Sam, a girl like me waits centuries to get someone like you, to be able to be your guide and your helper. Trust me, that you are a good man."

Sam's eyes narrowed and he asked, "What are you?"

"I'm an angel." Sam sighed, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose any and all trust that was occurring between the two vanished in an instant. Angels only meant trouble, manipulation, and pain they weren't ones to pump you up unless there was something in it for them, and honestly Sam didn't want to know what they wanted from him now.

"Look. I'm not saying yes to Lucifer." Sam started tiredly. This song and dance was getting old. "And you can't manipulate me to get Dean to say yes to Michael. So, just go away."

She smiled softly. "I'm not apart of that. I'm not one of those angels. Let them fight their own wars, and let them fight amongst each other. That isn't of my concern. I'm here to protect those that are under my care. You are under my care."

"Well bang up job you've done so far."

She smiled. "The older you get the more you talk like your brother."

"Whatever. Just leave me alone."

"And leave you to your suicidal thoughts."

"A lot of good they will do me."

Her eyes softened, and tears pooled in them. "You really want to die, and stay dead?"

"Yeah. I really do. I wish to hell that I was never born. Dean would have been so much better off. He would have a life now. He wouldn't be so…" Sam looked at his brother, watched as he slept on a pillow that was so flat that Dean had to sleep with his arms underneath it, covered with a thread bare blanket, on a bed that dipped in the center so badly that Dean was struggling to hold onto the edge of the mattress, and with a back so tense you could see the muscles through his t-shirt. "Dean deserves better than this." Sam said softly. "He deserves to have a family, a good bed to sleep on, a woman that loves him, and friends. He deserves all of that. And if I hadn't been born he would have all of that. He wouldn't be stuck in this life, wouldn't have sacrificed everything, wouldn't have sacrificed his soul and suffered hell before he turned 30. He would be surrounded by love and people." Sam sighed heavily and his body sagged with the exhalation.

Sam turned sad eyes to the guardian angel sitting beside him. "So, you see, I think not only about dying, but I wish that I had never been born. The world wouldn't be in the danger it is in right now if I hadn't been born."

"You really believe that don't you Sam?"

Sam nodded, eyes watery, "Yeah. I really believe that."

"You have no idea how wrong you are."

"I'll take my chances sister."

She took his hand. "Come with me Sam. I'll show you your wish."

Sam pulled his hand away from her. "I'm tired. I'm so tired of the games, the time travel, the alternate universes. I just want to be here to protect my brother. I haven't done a bang up job of it lately…"

"If that's what you wish Sam."

"Just go away." In a soft glow of light the woman on the edge of his bed disappeared. Sam took a deep breath and snuggled down into the covers, pulled his legs up so they wouldn't dangle off of the bed, faced his brother's back, and tried to get some sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sam awoke he wasn't in the motel room, and Dean wasn't beside him. He was dressed, and he stuck his hand into his coat pocket, pulled out his phone and tried to find a signal, tried to find a connection to his brother, but all he was getting was a handful of beeping electronics and he put it back into his pocket with a scared sigh and began to look around, and turned right into the face of the beautiful woman from the night before.

"You angels just freaking don't listen, do you?" he asked angry and his helpless state.

"I don't listen when my charge doesn't know what is good for him."

"I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions."

"I know that Sam. I know. But you really don't understand how important you are to this world."

Sam rolled his eyes. "I know I know…I'm Lucifer's vessel and it is my destiny…blah blah."

She gave a soft sad smile and shook her head. "No. You are important for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with an epic battle between heaven and hell."

"You aren't going to let me go until you've made me play out your little game."

"Sam…"

"You aren't any different from the other dick angels that I've met."

She put a hand on his chest, "Sam. Just follow me. Just follow me this one time. I'll show you."

"What is this? Some bad version of _It's a Wonderful Life_?" The angel smiled.

"Yes. That is it exactly. I'll be your Clarence." Her eyes glittered and she reached down and took Sam's hand. "Come on, I'll show you how well your brother is doing without you." And with a wave of her hand the landscape changed, and they were standing in the middle of the living room of what Sam assumed was their old house in Kansas. The banister was clothed in greenery, lights, and ornaments, the tree in the corner of the living room glowed with happy warmth, and Sam unconsciously took a deep breath and smelled the lingering scent of cookies. It smelled like a home, it looked like a home, and then it settled in on him that had he not been born this would have been his brother's home.

"Lawrence?" Sam asked thickly

"Yes." The woman said gently.

"Yeah, this is the perfect thing to show me. If I hadn't been born then, oh look, Dean would have grown up here; Dean would have had all of this." He gestured around the room and on his quick glance around he caught a family portrait on the mantle. He chuffed and walked to it and saw that it was a portrait of what his family would have been; his mom still alive and beautiful, his dad happy and unknowing of the supernatural world, and Dean and a woman that, judging by the ring on the fingers, was Dean's wife.

"Surface. It's all surface Sam. You know that better than anyone, that appearances aren't the best judge of a situation or a person. Just watch." Sam turned and watched as the door opened and the family came in, minus the woman that was with Dean in the picture.

"John," Mary started in a stage whisper. "Could you go upstairs, I need to talk to our son about things that Santa is going to bring you." Sam's eyes filled with tears, he had only heard his mother's real voice once, and it took all Sam had to keep from crying at the sound, he wanted to reach out to her, to touch her, tell her he was here, to get a moment to get to know her, just a moment to hug her. But that wasn't how this was going to go. This was to show him how life would have been worse without him in it. Right. Whatever.

"No problem." John smiled and headed up the stairs at a trot. When Mary heard the door shut upstairs, she walked into the living room proper and Dean followed.

"So what are you planning on giving him Mom?" Dean asked with a smile.

"I know what's going on with you Dean."

"What are you talking about Mom?" Dean put his hands in his pockets, and tried to look innocent. Sam knew instantly that he was lying.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about Dean. You've been using your powers. We've talked about this."

"No. You talked about this. You told me to stop. Mom. I don't have to. It's my destiny. It's who I am."

"Dean….. No. It's evil."

"No. It's not."

"Dean…you can't. You could hurt someone."

"He told me that I would be helping the world not hurting it."

Mary's face fell. "Who told you?"

"The man with the yellow eyes. He said it's my destiny. He said that by using my powers…" Mary had a hold of Dean's collar in a second.

"That man is a demon. Do not listen to him Dean." Her voice was cold and angry, scary even.

Dean pushed his mother off of him. She staggered back a step or two. "I'll do whatever in the hell I want to. I'm a grown man."

"Dean, listen…"

"No, you listen to me. I'm the one that was chosen. I'm the one that can save people…"

"And what is the price?"

Dean was taken aback and he laughed. "A headache or two is no price."

"Dean…" Dean's face softened and he moved closer to his mother.

"I know you're worried, but you shouldn't be. I'm okay. I know what I'm doing. Trust me." He kissed Mary on the cheek and headed towards the door. "Love you mom." And he left.

Sam turned to the guardian. "He…"

"Yellow eyes bled in Dean's mouth, because you weren't there, and Mary never found out, and she wasn't hunting, and she still isn't. And Dean never grew up in the life. He has no idea what's going to happen to him."

"He's…."

"He's going to let Lucifer out just like you did, but with some extra bloodshed along the way."

"No, no, Dean wouldn't do that. Dean would never do what I did knowingly. Never. Dean isn't like me."

She gave Sam a gentle smile and put a hand on his arm and the scene changed. It was no longer Christmas in the house, but Mary and Dean were both in the living room, the devil of all arguments happening, and before Sam knew what was happening, Dean put his hand out, like Sam had done to kill all of those demons, and in that instant, he clenched his fist and Mary put her hands to her chest and she collapsed to her knees, pain and amazement etched into her beautiful features.

"Dean!" Sam yelled. "Dean! No!" Sam started to run for his brother, but the guardian stopped him,

"You can't change this. He can't see you."

"He doesn't know what he's doing." Sam yelled.

"He knows exactly what he's doing. He did it to his wife the year before. Your brother has a taste for killing and he likes it." Sam's eyes went wide.

"No…no…" Sam started to protest but then the scene in front of him caught his attention, Mary let out her last breath and her wide unbelieving eyes starred at the ceiling, her soul gone, body dead, and as her soul flew away Dean relaxed his hand, his breath coming in heavy, Sam knew the feeling, and then Dean came and stood over his mother.

"That's what happens to those who try to stop me." He licked lips, strode over to the phone, and worked himself up a little and called 9-1-1. "My mother…please hurry…my mom…my mom…she's….oh, God I think she's dead."

Sam looked away from the scene playing out in front of him. "I can't watch this."

"It is difficult. It is very difficult Sam. But this is what would have happened to your brother had you not been alive. He would have turned into this….he wouldn't have had someone to hold him back, to remind him of who he was. You do that for him. You keep him sane, keep him human."


	3. Chapter 3

"What happens after this?" Sam asked shakily still reeling from what he just saw.

"Your brother says yes to Lucifer without a moment's hesitation. Michael promises your father to bring your mother back if your dad will be his vessel. There's a prize fight, your father loses, and well the world as we know it ends."

Sam ran a hand through his hair, turned away from his guardian, and took a deep breath. This couldn't be what would happen to his brother. No. This was some angel trick, trying to convince Sam that everything was wonderful the way it is, that there is no reason to hate his life. They did this all of the time. Whenever they wanted he or Dean to do what they wanted, they took them on a reality bending trip to convince them that they were meant to be what their destinies foretold.

Sam turned around and sighed. "So you show me this bull shit, so what? I think 'oh thank God, I'm still alive, and I'm destined to allow myself to be rode by the devil himself like a prize winning horse.'" Her placid face made Sam's frustration level raised ten notches, why were all of these dick angels so okay with screwing with his life, with Dean's life?

"Sam…" She started and put a hand on his arm. He shrugged it off and moved away from her.

"If you are my guardian, shouldn't you be helping me to avoid Lucifer, and the whole nine? Shouldn't you be trying to fix what IS and not show me what COULD HAVE? And what about Dean? If you guys are supposed to help, where in the hell has his been? God knows he could have used a little help when he was in Hell."

His guardian looked sad at the mention of Dean's time in Hell. She looked away from him and then back. "His guardian went with him." She paused to regain some of her footing. "His guardian was the first and only to go with a charge into Hell. She went, she did what she could to protect him, but the other angels were stronger." The Guardian visibly swallowed. "She came back a lot like Dean. She came back mutilated, scared and sad. But, she like Dean, held out for as long as she could. She kept her light glowing as brightly and as intensely as she could for as long as she could. And that light saved your brother. Castiel and the others saw her dying light and that was how they found your brother."

Sam's anger melted a little under the explanation. "Guardians have very limited power. And this.." She gestured to the scene before her, "This is the limit of my power. I can show you what could have been, I can lead your brother back to you when you're sad and scared, I can help you with little things, but I can't change the big things, I can't make the angels leave you guys alone, I can't take the demon blood out of your body, but I can make sure that you try to do good with the curse that is in you.

Sam…this is the only other outcome. I just want you to see that there are good things in your life. I want you to remember that you are important for something other than being Lucifer's meat suit. Sam Winchester, you have changed lives, you have made your brother a better man, you've saved lives, you helped so many. I just want you to remember that." She stepped a little closer. "I will do what my sister did. I will follow you into hell and I will shine as brightly as I possibly can to help your brother, angels, Bobby, anyone get you back out. I just don't want for one second for you to wish that you were dead. There are few men in the world that can inspire the devotion of a Guardian, and you Sam Winchester, and your brother, you two are men that every guardian in the world would follow into hell and protect the best we know how. Sam, it may not be a wonderful perfect life, but it's the life you have."

She stepped a little closer and wiped away a tear that Sam hadn't realized was streaming down his face. "Sam, everything isn't your fault. You made some bad choices, but that was because you were trying to do the right thing. I don't ever want have to be recalled because you have killed yourself, you are too important to the world too important to a lot of people….people that have nothing to do with the struggle with heaven and hell."

Sam nodded. "Okay."

She nodded and the next moment he was back in his bed and Dean was standing by the window, hand in his hair and phone to his ear. "Bobby, I don't know where he is. I'm scared. He…he's been sad lately….I think….I think…no, I don't think he said yes…but I'm afraid that he might find a way to permanently not be his vessel….yeah…death…something….Sam's not stupid….Bobby…I can't…" Something made Dean stop and he turned and saw Sam on the bed, and his eyes relaxed. "Bobby, he's right here. I found him." And he turned the phone off.

"Where in the hell have you been?" Dean asked worry and relief mixing in his voice.

"My guardian angel thought I needed an "It's a Wonderful Life" experience."

Dean gave a small disbelieving sound, "Only in our world is that an acceptable answer."

Sam smiled and nodded. Dean sat on his bed, feet planted firmly on the floor, his elbows on his knees, and his hands scrubbing at his face. "We have to inform these angel dicks that they need to leave notes for whoever is left out of the acid trip." They both sat and starred at each other for a moment.

"Wanna talk about the trip?"

"Not right now." Sam answered with a laugh.

"Understand." Dean said and started to get cuddled up in the blankets.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy?"

"Can we go to Bobby's tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Dean?"

"What Sam?"

"Merry Christmas."

"You too Sammy. You too."


End file.
